Saturday-September 13, 2008 (Day 2)
I woke up early around 6.30 (I am a morning person) and it is still dark in the ward. My roommate in front of me hasn’t back yet from labor room (she was sent there almost midnight last night). They switched the lights on around 7.30 and I already wake up by then. Waiting for my husband to come and bathe me as I am afraid to take shower alone due to yesterday’s incident.
Around 8 the nurse came in to assist the other mother. She saw some blood stain on my cloth and asked me to change. I told her that I am waiting for my husband to bring undies for me. 8.30 He hasn’t arrived yet. I decided to do the showering alone. I went down from the bed, sit for a while and started walking step by step. Later in the bathroom I sit on the toilet bowl and started taking off everything, brushing my teeth etc. I took a very long hot shower as I haven’t take shower for 2 days. Not to forget mandi wiladah (mandi wiladah is taking shower after giving birth). I feel so fresh after showering (saya tak suka badan berbau as I always ensure I am clean and have good smell. Tak suka la BO nih)
Immediately after came out from the shower, I saw my husband waiting for me at my bed reading newspaper. Kena sejibik…. “Why don’t u wait for me? It will be more difficult if anything happen to u in there” (referring to yesterday’s incident)… me…kernyeh saja la….I told him that I can’t wait any longer as I feel like ‘kambing’ bcoz I haven’t had my shower since Thursday morning. Cannot tahan laaaaaaaa………
Then I asked him to ask the nurse when the doctor is coming as I wanted to meet my baby. They asked me to wait as they are unsure when the doctor will be there. Adesssssssss……..my baby needs me now. Mana la doc nih….mentang2 la sabtu…lmbt la plakkkkkkkk……………..
We keep waiting and waiting. The doctor only arrived at almost 11. After few words he said that I can be discharged today (tak tanya pon luka dh baik ka apa ka…truih blh blk jerk…adesssss……….). Then immediately I asked my husband to bring me to the NICU where our baby is located. We took a slow walk as I am not fully recovered. Upon reaching there, we go straight to the room she is located but first, I need to wash my hands properly before touching our baby.
Immediately looking at her I started to broke down. By looking at her inside the ventilator with a lot of tubes and wires all over her body makes my heart stop beating. I can feel her pain. She is so small and I don’t think she can afford all the pain alone. I wish I could replace her now. I can’t stop my tears at all. I talked to her slowly and I know that she can hear me well. They switched on the blue light for jaundice treatment as they said she looks a bit yellowish and immediately started the treatment. She is so small. Weighing 1.06kg, her size is as big as my palm and her length is about half of my arm. Her tiny size doesn’t even fit the newborn diaper. They just put in without attaching the strap. After half an hour we walked out the NICU as I won’t be able to stand for a longer time. I cried all along the way back to the ward.
Upon arrival, the lunch being served and guess what? They had rice, fish, veggie (kobis n sawi daaaa……I tried a bit) and watermelon (merah2…sedapnya nampak……) I only took the rice and veggie and a bit of kea and had it with beef and salted fish which my husband brought from home.
I had visitors too. Kak Jihan (senior manager of our team) and my boss as well as my Pak Ngah and Mak Ngah. Yesterday Cik Mat and Kak E visited me (they arrived during buka puasa time). My bestfen Seri Arni arrived around 4 when I almost finished packing. The other good fren of mine, Tini waiting nearby my house. Unfortunately we were unable to meet as she and her husband rushing for iftar at Templer Park.
Before left home, I visited her again and I still couldn’t stop my tears. I am not strong enough to see my baby like that. The nurse asks for my breast milk but it still hasn’t come out yet. This frustrating me as I really want my baby to have my milk as soon as possible.
Reached home almost 6 and later had bukak puasa with everybody. I couldn’t sleep as I keep thinking about my baby. I know that she needs me. I am so sorry sayang mama…….I wish I could stay with you but they don’t allow me until you are able to breast feed then they will allow me to stay together with you.
We visit our baby again today around 11. Spent half an hour there and we headed back home. My husband dropped by at the supermarket nearby to get some groceries and I just lying down in the car waiting for them.
My brother and his fiancé visited me today. Mak cooked something special for bukak puasa. They had curry and few other things. I had soup with beef, carrot and potatoes as well as fried salted fish. My mom went back to Perlis by taking 10.00pm bus and left both of us alone.
My milk started to flow but only small amount. My breasts started to swollen. Both sides are so heavy and big and started to pain. I feel like my boobs is at Dolly Parton’s size now and I can’t even move my body easily. Around 3 am I woke my husband up to express the milk as it was so painful. I was crying while expressing using the manual breast pump. Both sides of my boobs still swollen but lesser pain than I had earlier. I put hot towel on it and managed to sleep until 6.30.
It is a busy week for my husband as he needs to finish the company’s account for the management. I was left alone at home. He cooked and prepared the bath for me and later left to work. I have to do everything alone. I just stay at home watching tv, sleep and expressing milk. I can’t be alone at this critical time as I will broke down every time I think of my baby.
The blue light was off this morning as she is now free from jaundice. Others at the moment are in good condition. I pray a lot so that she will be fine throughout the treatment. I feel that she is stronger than me now. The feeding tube connected via her naval. They changed the oxygen tube today. Previously the oxygen was supplied via her mouth but now they put on her nose instead. This shows a good sign.
I managed to produce 5-10ml of milk every 2 hours. I wish I could produce more milk for her.
Tuesday September 16, 2008 (Day 5)
They already started giving her my milk and now feeding tube is via her mouth not her naval. The tube direct from mouth to her stomach due to her weak lung.
She is given 6ml of milk for every 2 hors
My first day of massage. The mak bidan came to my house and started the massage and the bertungku. Punya la geli makcik….tak tahan…hehehehe……… my husband is at home today as it is public holiday for few states in Malaysia. 17th of Ramadhan marks as Nuzul Quran here. (The 1st day of our holy Quran was delivered to our Prophet Muhammad)
We visited her in the afternoon and spent almost an hour there. I forced myself to stand longer next to my baby so that she can feel that her mama is there waiting for her.
She is given 7ml of milk every 2 hours. She seems tolerate with the milk and this makes me happy. At least my milk can cure her as soon as possible.
Thursday September 18, 2008 (Day 7)
We decided to name her Humaira Safiyyah. Humaira taken from a root word Hamra’ in Arabic meaning “the red” as she was born red (she is fair). I think during Prophet Muhammad time, one of his daughter or the other friends’ daughter was called Humaira as she is red. I couldn’t recall. Maybe it was Abu Bakar As-Siddiq’s daughter, Aishah R.A was called Humaira. Safiyyah means grace (yang lemah lembut).
Not so much different from yesterday. Both of us pray for her safety.
Friday September 19, 2008 (Day 8)
My baby infected. We are so worry. She just lying there motionless. She looks so tired and needed to do blood transfusion. They took my blood to cross check with her blood and the donor’s blood from the blood bank. I wish I could give her mine but the doctor said they can’t wait longer as she is very weak. I can’t stop my tears by looking at her. I feel like giving up at this moment. I am so sad. She doesn’t deserve all this. She holds my fingers so tight. She tried to open her eyes as well. I tried not to cry as I don’t want her to see me in tears. I think she wanted to tell me not to worry about her as she is so strong to go through all this.
Saturday September 20, 2008 (Day 9)
We visited our baby in the afternoon. She still has infections. Strict hand washed sign was stick on her incubator. We must be more hygiene this time. She just lying down with less of movement. I hope she will be fine after the transfusion. Her tiny size makes me scared to touch her body. I only managed to touch her hands as I don’t want to hurt her.
She had breathing difficulties today and they put again the oxygen tube via her mouth. They also started the blood transfusion. The blood was give via her right hand and the saline is on her left hand. She must be so in pain now. She tried to open her little eyes to tell me that she is fine. But mama cannot take those things anymore. I cried and cried as I am so pity of her.
Sunday September 21, 2008 (Day 10)
I cried in the morning thinking of her. My husband wants me to stop my tears as he doesn’t want me to be sick. The post partum makes my emotions up and down. Luckily my mom is coming tonight and I will be less pain when she is around.
The blood transfusion still on. So do the drip. I met the doctor on my way to the NICU and asked her about my baby. She said that my baby still infected and not so well. She told me that all babies in the same room were infected due to increase number of patients in the NICU. She told me that if this occurs again until next week, she will close the ward for any admission and the new cases should be referred to another hospital.
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