My first touch, My first kiss, My first hug

October 25, 2008 (Saturday) is my 44^th day of confinement. We visited our little princess after zohr prayer and we go off to Shah Alam for Dani’s birthday party. Later we drove to KL to fetch my kak n anak (niece) in Putra Station as they arrived from Perlis.

Headed to Cik Mat’s house for Anak Perlis’ open house. Upon arrival only few peoples left as most of them already went off. Reached home around 7.30. I expressed my milk for my little Humaira and will send few containers of milk around 9.00pm.

Upon reaching the hospital, I saw the nurse is cleaning her and her ventilator. It is a normal routine every nite for them to change the linen for the babies. I asked if I could hold her for a while and the nurse assist me to hold her. I am so excited. The nurse brings a chair for me and bring my little princess to my arm. The precious moment which I’ve been waiting for 44 days. I can’t stop my tears while holding her in my arms. She is so small, only a size of my arms. She stared at me and so do i. She holds my finger so tight as she doesn’t want me to go.

I can’t tell the feelings I had that moment. I am so happy, so excited to hold her in my arms. I want her to feel comfort and secured in my arms. I wish I could sleep with her tonite and I want to hold her through the nite.

Then the nurse offered me to massage my little princess using baby oil. I massage her hands, her legs and later the nurse feed her with my milk. She fall asleep 10 minutes later and then I drove back home. I am so relieved that she is fine and healthy now. I can’t wait to bring her back with us.

As my mom is coming over next week, we will do some shopping for her. I am thinking of few things to buy. At the moment I have 6 feeding bottles for her and a baby box. Aunty Seri bought her 2 rompers and Mama thinks she needs more rompers. Easier to wear and change diaper if Humaira wee wee or poo poo.

I am a mother....Part 5

Sunday October 12, 2008 (Day 31)

She is still on drip. No milk given and she loss about 10g of her weight. She is now 1.24kg (1240g) but she remains active as usual even though the needles for drip and antibiotic still on her both feet. I am so afraid that this may hurt her bur she remain calms. Adessssssss…………mama dia plak la yg lebey2…apadaaaaaaa…………..

I saw her diaper not in the position. Sampai tercabut strap…….I move her a bit so that I can pull back the diaper. And she’s a bit angry as I disturb her. It show’s from her blushing cheek and her movement. Kena pujuk la plak……..demand betoi la anak mama nih….

Then her papa recording few minutes movie of her. Dia pun apalagi…tunjuk perangai la…bukak mata luas2, angkat kaki ngn tangan bagai. Habih tok gelak la nanti tgk cucu perangai camnih….

Monday October 13, 2008 (Day 32)

The doctor started giving her milk again today since 8.00am. She seems tolerate with the milk. She is able to wee wee and poo poo like usual. I’m so glad to hear that. At the moment, she is not having any colic so good for her. I love to touch her pipi seketoi and her hidung penyet (this is what papa said)

Tuesday October 14, 2008 (Day 33)

Our little princess is given 9ml of milk and the consumption increase every time the shift for nurses’ changes. She has long fingers like papa and her feet like mama (jangan kaki besaq cam mama dah la...jenuh cari kasut mahai…kasut morah tak celuih….huhuhuhu……..) and I think she inherit my gene more than my husband (muka cam cina2 skit laaaaaaa…….ngengengenge……..mata tu tak tau la cemana….kecik cam mama la kot)

We laughed while looking at her reaction. Mama segan betoi dekat nurses yg ada. Anak mama dok tak diam. But the nurses said it is good for her as she remains active. Her roommates cry a lot but she, moves a lot.

Wednesday October 15, 2008 (Day 34)

We visited Humaira Safiyyah (Aunty Umi called her Che Piah) after maghrib as her papa had meetings all day today. Upon arrival, she is sleeping but I can see from the wash basin that she moves her feet. Adoi la anak mama……..so very the active (macam mak dia jugak la…..jgn riso yer mama…hikhikhik). She is given 17ml of milk now and I have to express more from now. Luckily I will produce at least 20ml for every 2 hours. Enough for her feeding.

Thursday October 16, 2008 (Day 35)

We arrived and saw our baby sleeping in her best position, tidoq senget. When the nurse is about to feed Humaira, she offered me to hold the syringe for my baby’s feeding. I hold the syringe. It is so much joy as this is the first time I managed to feed her. It feels like I breast feeding her. After feeding, she fall asleep and we left as her papa needs to reach the office by 2.00pm. As usual, her papa will tickle her feet and she will try to keep her feet away from her papa. It’s father and daughter things anyway. I just let both of them fighting each other.

Friday October 17, 2008 (Day 36)

My baby now weighing 1.41kg. As usual I will try to massage her hands and feet every time visiting her. Salah pegang maunya bok pelari kaki tuh. What I do is I will tell her first that I want to massage her and I need to tell her how long I need to take to massage her feet. I will begin with her toes up to her thigh will tell her what are the names of those parts. Her toes, her ankle, her knee, her thigh. I hope she can remember her body parts. So do her hands. Her thumbs, index finger, middle finger, ring finger, small finger. Her wrist, elbow and shoulder. I manage to massage her chest slowly with a sign of I, L n U stands for I LOVE YOU and I say it loud every time I did that.

Saturday October 18, 2008 (Day 37)

Since the raya holiday end, the traffic is so heavy during the weekend. It must be due to these people attending open house here and there. Normally it took about 10 minutes drive to the hospital but since last week, we only managed to reach the hospital after 30 minutes drive. Punya la jem tak sangga.

We reach the hospital in the afternoon. Our little princess seems taking her good sleep. When her papa looks in to her diaper, he told me that our little princess had poo poo. Aiiyaaaaaaaaaa………ni mesti nak suruh mama tukaq diaper nih. I ask the nurse what I should do as I am afraid to change the diaper. Then the nurse instructed me what to do. I know how to manage the babies as I used to help my cousins handling their babies but handling my little princess makes me scared. I am afraid if I might hurt my little princess as she is so small and very fragile.

It took me more than 10 minutes to change her diaper. I wipe using the wet cotton balls until everything clean and put her diaper on. I am so excited as this is the first time I clean her poo poo. My little princess even more excited. She moves a lot and this makes me kelam kabut. My husband recorded everything. I can’t wait to tell my mom that I clean her poo poo. Alahaiiiiiii…….exited betoi la mak sorang nih….malu kt org aihhhhh………hehehehe……….

We spent more than 1 hour there. And we went off for lunch.

Sunday October 19, 2008 (Day 38)

Visited our little princess after zohr. She is sleeping while we arrived there. I think she can feel our arrival as she started moving her feet and hands. I massage her hands and legs. As she cannot tahan her geli, she moves her body and sleep senget. I just let her in that position as she will definitely act against me if I move her body in a straight position.

Dropped by at the supermarket to get some groceries and we drove back home. Planning to do some shopping next week as I may need to be warded soon.

Monday October 20, 2008 (Day 39)

We arrived at 1.30pm but I went to visit our princess alone while my husband is having lunch at the cafeteria as he needs to be in the office by 2.00pm. Normally I will send the milk to the feeding room for storage first and later meet my little princess. Upon arriving at the room, I saw her nose tube is detached from her nose. When I asked the nurse she said they are trying to let he breath on her own. They started to detach it at 10.00am this morning. They will put it on and off every 2 hours to train her breath. Alhamdulillah everything goes well since morning and the nurse said the tube can be remove anytime soon as she has no problem breathing on her own.

I told her tok back in Perlis and her papa on our way back home. Lega hati mama yang gundah gulana nih.

Tuesday October 21, 2008 (Day 40)

Today, 11 years ago my father passed away. He died in front of me. It was so traumatic and it took me more than 5 years to cope with losing him. It was so difficult when I need someone to talk to as I only talk to him when I have problems. Nobody can be a good listener, not even a boyfriend. I miss him a lot everyday. Sometimes I feel that he is so close to me which I can feel he is somewhere around me. Maybe I miss him a lot makes me feel that way.

And today, the doctor removed the breathing aided tube from my little princess’ nose. She can really breathe on her own now. I am so touched and so thankful. She really shows a very good progress. She is given 19ml of milk now and active. I asked the nurse whether she cries a lot as I saw some of her roommates cry so loud and the boy/girl is much smaller than her. The nurse said she will cry when she poops and needs to be changed. I hardly hear she cries every time I visit her. Just a lot of movement here and there. I am afraid that she may turn left and right on her own as the tube already removed.

I talked to her today and told her everything.……

“I lost my father 11 years ago, I have your papa 2 years ago and I have you today. I can’t afford to lose someone that I love again. Promise me that you won’t leave me. I need you to be with me. I need your papa for us”

She seems understand and she hold my hand so tight to calm me down. She is so strong for me and will be stronger for her mama. I called her papa to tell him that the tube has been removed so do her tok back in Perlis. I send text messages to my bestfriends to share my joy with them. Thanks a lot dear friends for always be with me day and night to calm me down throughout this difficult time. I am so glad to have you since the past 15 years. I really appreciate our friendship.

Wednesday October 22, 2008 (Day 41)

We visited our little princess in the evening as her papa attending meetings whole day today. I send the milk to the feeding room and go straight to my princess’ room. Upon arrival, I saw another baby in a cot at my little Humaira’s place and the nurse immediately showed me where my baby is located. They moved her in the middle as today there are a lot of admission to NICU and makes the room a bit crowded. She is still awake when we arrived and give a sweet smile for me while I recording her actions. Kemain lg si kecik nih mcm tau2 ja org nk amik gambaq dia.

Her papa recorded another little Humaira in action and she shows her very good moves while papa recording. Mengeliat sakan….

Thursday October 23, 2008 (Day 42)

We planned to visit her in the evening as the traffic and the parking lot will be less crowded. At 2.00pm after having lunch the nurse called saying that my milk for our little princess almost finished. I need to send more milk for her. Since past few days I had a little bit troubles as I produced less milk. Only 20ml for each time I express my milk. This is so frustrating as my little princess taking more milk now. She is given 20ml for every 2 hours.

I reached the hospital around 3.00pm and had a short chat with her. She smiles to me when saw me there. Hilang rindu mama. As she is getting better and healthier now, she moves a lot sampai melongsoq ke bawah. Mama pun kena la letak Humaira balik elok2 tapi bertahan 2 minit jer. Adoiiiii……..jgn smpi jatuh ct esok dah la. She cheer me up. I feel less worry now and I hope she’s getting bigger and stronger and healthier.

We send milk again in the evening. She is still awake at 9.00pm. Tidoq la awai anak ooiiiiii………jgn tidoq lambat…jenuh mama nak berjaga esok nih…she smiles at her papa and they had some precious father and daughter time together. We left at 10.00 when she’s about to sleep.

Friday October 24, 2008 (Day 43)

I didn’t sleep well last nite and woke up at 6.00am to express more milk for my Humaira. Eventually the things doesn’t do well. I managed to get 60ml since last nite. I quickly drive to the hospital to give my milk. I need to reach there before her feeding time at 8.00. I managed to arrive on time. She is already awake at 7.15. I found out that the cap covering her head was not in the right place. Half of the cap covering her right eye. Macam pirates of the carribean plak mama tgk. Hehehehe…..i managed to snap a few photos of her in that way. I drove back home half an hour later as I don’t feel well.

Upon reaching home, I took a nap and later wake up again to express more milk. I sent another batch of milk for her at 1.30pm. She is awake and I managed to snap few more pics and send mms to few peoples who were asking for her photos. I talked to the nurse telling her that I managed to produced a small amount of milk and started to cry. I was so frustrated because I can’t give her as much as she needs. The nurse told me not to tense about it and I need to relax to produce more milk for my baby.

Send another batch of milk in the evening. When her papa talked to her she smiles. Had papa and daughter precious moment while mama recording their good time. Papa needs to move Humaira back to the right position and as usual It only last 3 minutes or less I think. She opened her little eyes when hear my voice. Smiles and look at me. I wonder if she has dimple like her papa has.

I am a mother....Part 4

Thursday October 2, 2008 (Day 21)

Second day of raya. We visited our little princess in the afternoon. She is so smart. Whenever she felt that she needs me to be there longer, she will hold my finger so tight to tell me that she doesn’t want me to leave. I’ll wait little bit longer before I ask her permission for me to leave. When she loosens he hands, I know that she is ready to let me go.

We visited her Tok Ngah (my uncle) in Desa Sri Hartamas later in the evening and left around 10.00pm due to heavy rain.

Friday October 3, 2008 (Day 22)

My little princess is awake when we were there. She can’t really open her eyes as the light in the ward is on. I have to shadow her so that she can open her eyes and take a look at her mama and papa. Later she closes her eyes again. As usual, her naughty papa will tickle her little feet and she will try to move her feet far away from papa. Merah muka dok tahan geli.

Later we went off to KLCC to get a sterilizer to sterilize my breast pump. I managed to get it from Mothercare as I got my membership there and receive few percent of discount. Still eyeing on the stroller. I intend to get Quinny Zapp and Maxi Cosi Cabrio Fix. Tang mana la ada sales ni. Currently the whole set cost RM1699.00. Where can I get cheaper Quinny Zapp? Tulunnnnnn……..tulunnnn………

Saturday October 4, 2008 (Day 23)

Humaira Safiyyah’s tok (my mother) keep asking about her granddaughter every day. Asking for her size, her health and everything. I need to report to her everyday as she is not allowed to enter the NICU (only father and mother are allowed)

I managed to stay longer as my husband is not working. I am so glad to be with her longer. The nurse has told me earlier that I will be calling to be warded again when she is out of the ventilator and need to start breastfeeding.

Sunday October 5, 2008 (Day 24)

My husband’s last day of holiday. I told my baby that I will be coming in the afternoon during her papa’s lunch time. Suddenly she brings my finger to her chest. I am so touched with her act. I touched her red cheek and her chin as well as her forehead. I can’t wait to kiss her. Mama miss u a lot, my hidung penyet!

Monday October 6, 2008 (Day 25)

The nurse called today informing that her milk storage almost finished. We managed to reach hospital by 1.00pm and send more milk for her. Kesian anak mama x cukup susu. Humaira Safiyyah opens her eyes widely today and papa managed to take her photos with her eyes opened.

My mother in law and sister in laws arrived today. We have to fetch them in Bangi and Kajang. We went there after Maghrib and later headed to hospital to send more milk for our Humaira Safiyyah.

Tuesday October 7, 2008 (Day 26)

My husband has to attend meeting whole day today and I decided to drive to the hospital alone leaving others at home. I managed to spend more than 2 hours with our princess. I talked and massaged her. It is so much joy having a good time together. Zikir, selawat to make her sleep. Susah gak la nak buat anak dara ni tidoq sebenaqnya. Later she has a very sound sleep and I left home.

After Maghrib my brother in law and his wife arrive and we had dinner together.

Wednesday October 8, 2008 (Day 27)

My in laws leave for Alor Star in the morning. Then we headed to hospital and send my baby more milk. I managed to meet her for 2 minutes as my husband needs to rush to the office as he is having a meeting at 10.30 till late in the evening

We visited her again in the evening. She is awake when we reach there. Hidung penyet, pipi kembang mama ni makes me calm. I am so glad to be with her. Counting days for me to bring her back home.

Thursday October 9, 2008 (Day 28)

We visited her for a while in the afternoon and later after Maghrib today to send her more milk. I saw her sleeping in the ‘senget’ position. Adoiyaiii anak mama…kecik2 lagi dh tunjuk peel mcm2 nooo……….I tried to move her body so that she can sleep straight. Unfortunately I failed to do so. She ignored me and changed her position again. Alahaiiiiiiii…….so I took some photos of her in that position

Friday October 10, 2008 (Day 29)

My baby is given another blood transfusion today at 2.00am and the transfusion ends at 5.00am. She is not given milk today and only put on saline as she had colic the day before. Her stomach a bit ‘kembung’ yesterday and they afraid it may due to the air aided for her breathing. I am afraid that it may be due to my food intake the day before.

Saturday October 11, 2008 (Day 30)

Still fasting yet remains active. Moves her hands and feet and her body a lot. Senget benget the air tube on her nose. Her papa tried to place the tube in the correct position but as she moves her head, the tube will be senget again. Hehehehe……..sungguh aktif…other babies will cry a lot but she moves a lot. Like mother like daughter daaaaaaaa…………….kuikuikuikui………..

I am a mother....Part 3

Monday September 22, 2008 (Day 11)

My mom arrived at 5.00am and my husband went to fetch her at Duta station. I was left alone but I can’t sleep due to an incident happened a few nites ago. They arrived almost half an hour later and they had their sahur. I continue my sleep till 7.

The straight berpantang regime started again. My mom prepared the bath for me. Later after shower I had my breakfast. Then she put the param (smelly herbs like body scrub) all over my body. Then I have to do the traditional way of body wrapping (nak bernapas pon susah) and bertungku. She monitored everything and forced me to take raw egg (teloq ayam kampong) with honey and turmeric. Baunya mak aiiiiiiiiiiiii…………..rasa cam nk pitam……..i swallowed everything and immediately took a large cup of milo to eliminate the smell and taste in my mouth. Rasa nak muntah……..

She looks better today as the blood count has increased. Alhamdulillah…….. They has changed the oxygen tube and put the oxygen mask on her nose. My baby moves her feet and hands as. We are so happy looking at her that way. It is a very good sign.

Tuesday September 23, 2008 (Day 12)

As my mom is still around. She takes a good care of me. But now I am having the other nightmare. The constipation. I hardly poo poo and afraid that the stitches will torn apart. Adoi laaaaaaaa……..horror. I tried to take few things but it doesn’t work. I went to the clinic and the doctor gave me pills and liquid medication to ensure that I can poo poo easily. Woke up in the middle of the nite to poo poo but I ended up sitting on the toilet bowl doing nothing and nothing came up.

My baby seems better today as she moves her hands and feet a lot. I am so relief to see her that way. But me myself having troubles with this constipation disaster

Wednesday September 24, 2008 (Day 13)

It is so wonderful being a mother. The feelings which I can tell eventough my baby is still in NICU. I touched and talked to my baby every day. I talked about everything. While taking to her, I touched her hands and she managed to hold my hands so tight. I am so glad when she holds my hands even though I am so much worry of her.

Thursday September 25, 2008 (Day 14)

My baby is getting better. She moves her feet and hands a lot. Her papa always tickles her small feet and makes her uncomfortable (geli la papa…..I am more like mama tak tahan geli….hehehe……..)

As usual, the mama will only hold her hands and talk to her. Sometimes she will open her little eyes to calm her mama as her mama is unable to control her tears. Papa warns mama if she keep crying, she better not to visit Humaira daily.

How could I stop my tears by looking at her in the ventilator with wires and tubes. I can’t even kiss or hug her. That is the most I really want to do now.

The breast pump arrived today. I asked ina to buy it for me while she is staying in Copenhagen. They came back for good early this month.

Friday September 26, 2008 (Day 15)

We are late visiting Humaira today. We reached the hospital almost 1.00pm. As today is Friday, we need to rush as my husband will need to perform Friday prayer at the mosque. She opened her eyes for a while and when we are about to leave, she cried. The first time I hear she cries after 15 days giving birth to her. It is so touching. I don’t want to leave her alone but my husband cannot wait any longer as it is almost the prayer time. I was so sad and as usual I cried. How could he let his daughter alone. He said that she is fine but I don’t think so. I am so worry thinking of my baby now.

Saturday September 27, 2008 (Day 16)

My mom left in the afternoon with my brother. He is on Hari Raya holiday. Only 2 of us left celebrating raya away from home this year.

My baby gives a very good responds now as she is free from infections, milk tolerate, no blood transfusion needed. They just need to monitor her lung and heart as other internal organs are fine. She can wee wee and poo poo like normal babies.

Sunday September 28, 2008 (Day 17)

I visited her a bit late today as her papa woke up late. We went to the hospital after zohr prayer. She is just fine and getting better. I miss her a lot and I can’t wait to be with her and bring her back with us.

Monday September 29, 2008 (Day 18)

Thought that my husband is taking leave today as Hari Raya is just 2 days ahead but he needs to go to work today. Fetched me around 12 to visit our Humaira. As we reached there, the nurse has just finished giving her milk and she was sleeping facing down (Nampak mcm tgh sujud). She looks so cute that way. She moves her knee to make herself comfortable. Can you imagine looking at her small bump moving. I am so glad that she is fine and healthy. My baby, mama can’t wait to hug and kiss you.

Today is the first time after 18 days I managed to control myself and I no longer crying while visiting her.

Tuesday September 30, 2008 (Day 19)

A day before hari raya. My husband takes a day off today to go for shopping. We planned to cook nasi jagung and ayam merah for tomorrow. I saw it on tv at Ketuk-Ketuk Ramadhan Sheila Rusly. This is what I’ve been doing for the whole month during confinement. I will only take a short nap at 12.00noon as well as after 3.00pm.

We visited our Humaira Safiyyah in the afternoon and she is having her good time sleep. Mata pun tanak bukak bila mama panggil. Hmmmm…….tidoq la dear….cepat besaq skit anak mama nih

Wednesday October 1, 2008 (Day 20)

Selamat Hari Raya, Humaira Safiyyah! Today is our first Hari Raya together. I woke up early and cook nasi jagung. I cooked ayam masak merah last night so makes my life easier. Her papa woke up and ready for prayer. Her ‘Nyang’ (Great grandmother) called me. She was crying while talking to me. This is the first time we are not celebrating Hari Raya in our hometown.

Later we headed to visit our little princess with our matching baju kurung and baju melayu. Mujoq la mama muat baju kurung tu. Kalo tak ada la org nak pakai pants and shirt pagi raya. She is so fine today. Having her good time alone there. As usual, her mama will talk to her and touch her hands and feet.

We headed to Sabak Bernam visiting my kak and my nieces and nephew celebrating raya in Parit Baru (my abang’s kampong)

I am a mother....Part 2

Saturday-September 13, 2008 (Day 2)

I woke up early around 6.30 (I am a morning person) and it is still dark in the ward. My roommate in front of me hasn’t back yet from labor room (she was sent there almost midnight last night). They switched the lights on around 7.30 and I already wake up by then. Waiting for my husband to come and bathe me as I am afraid to take shower alone due to yesterday’s incident.

Around 8 the nurse came in to assist the other mother. She saw some blood stain on my cloth and asked me to change. I told her that I am waiting for my husband to bring undies for me. 8.30 He hasn’t arrived yet. I decided to do the showering alone. I went down from the bed, sit for a while and started walking step by step. Later in the bathroom I sit on the toilet bowl and started taking off everything, brushing my teeth etc. I took a very long hot shower as I haven’t take shower for 2 days. Not to forget mandi wiladah (mandi wiladah is taking shower after giving birth). I feel so fresh after showering (saya tak suka badan berbau as I always ensure I am clean and have good smell. Tak suka la BO nih)

Immediately after came out from the shower, I saw my husband waiting for me at my bed reading newspaper. Kena sejibik…. “Why don’t u wait for me? It will be more difficult if anything happen to u in there” (referring to yesterday’s incident)… me…kernyeh saja la….I told him that I can’t wait any longer as I feel like ‘kambing’ bcoz I haven’t had my shower since Thursday morning. Cannot tahan laaaaaaaa………

Then I asked him to ask the nurse when the doctor is coming as I wanted to meet my baby. They asked me to wait as they are unsure when the doctor will be there. Adesssssssss……..my baby needs me now. Mana la doc nih….mentang2 la sabtu…lmbt la plakkkkkkkk……………..

We keep waiting and waiting. The doctor only arrived at almost 11. After few words he said that I can be discharged today (tak tanya pon luka dh baik ka apa ka…truih blh blk jerk…adesssss……….). Then immediately I asked my husband to bring me to the NICU where our baby is located. We took a slow walk as I am not fully recovered. Upon reaching there, we go straight to the room she is located but first, I need to wash my hands properly before touching our baby.

Immediately looking at her I started to broke down. By looking at her inside the ventilator with a lot of tubes and wires all over her body makes my heart stop beating. I can feel her pain. She is so small and I don’t think she can afford all the pain alone. I wish I could replace her now. I can’t stop my tears at all. I talked to her slowly and I know that she can hear me well. They switched on the blue light for jaundice treatment as they said she looks a bit yellowish and immediately started the treatment. She is so small. Weighing 1.06kg, her size is as big as my palm and her length is about half of my arm. Her tiny size doesn’t even fit the newborn diaper. They just put in without attaching the strap. After half an hour we walked out the NICU as I won’t be able to stand for a longer time. I cried all along the way back to the ward.

Upon arrival, the lunch being served and guess what? They had rice, fish, veggie (kobis n sawi daaaa……I tried a bit) and watermelon (merah2…sedapnya nampak……) I only took the rice and veggie and a bit of kea and had it with beef and salted fish which my husband brought from home.

I had visitors too. Kak Jihan (senior manager of our team) and my boss as well as my Pak Ngah and Mak Ngah. Yesterday Cik Mat and Kak E visited me (they arrived during buka puasa time). My bestfen Seri Arni arrived around 4 when I almost finished packing. The other good fren of mine, Tini waiting nearby my house. Unfortunately we were unable to meet as she and her husband rushing for iftar at Templer Park.

Before left home, I visited her again and I still couldn’t stop my tears. I am not strong enough to see my baby like that. The nurse asks for my breast milk but it still hasn’t come out yet. This frustrating me as I really want my baby to have my milk as soon as possible.

Reached home almost 6 and later had bukak puasa with everybody. I couldn’t sleep as I keep thinking about my baby. I know that she needs me. I am so sorry sayang mama…….I wish I could stay with you but they don’t allow me until you are able to breast feed then they will allow me to stay together with you.

Sunday September 14, 2008 (Day 3)

We visit our baby again today around 11. Spent half an hour there and we headed back home. My husband dropped by at the supermarket nearby to get some groceries and I just lying down in the car waiting for them.

My brother and his fiancé visited me today. Mak cooked something special for bukak puasa. They had curry and few other things. I had soup with beef, carrot and potatoes as well as fried salted fish. My mom went back to Perlis by taking 10.00pm bus and left both of us alone.

My milk started to flow but only small amount. My breasts started to swollen. Both sides are so heavy and big and started to pain. I feel like my boobs is at Dolly Parton’s size now and I can’t even move my body easily. Around 3 am I woke my husband up to express the milk as it was so painful. I was crying while expressing using the manual breast pump. Both sides of my boobs still swollen but lesser pain than I had earlier. I put hot towel on it and managed to sleep until 6.30.

Monday September 15, 2008 (Day 4)

It is a busy week for my husband as he needs to finish the company’s account for the management. I was left alone at home. He cooked and prepared the bath for me and later left to work. I have to do everything alone. I just stay at home watching tv, sleep and expressing milk. I can’t be alone at this critical time as I will broke down every time I think of my baby.

The blue light was off this morning as she is now free from jaundice. Others at the moment are in good condition. I pray a lot so that she will be fine throughout the treatment. I feel that she is stronger than me now. The feeding tube connected via her naval. They changed the oxygen tube today. Previously the oxygen was supplied via her mouth but now they put on her nose instead. This shows a good sign.

I managed to produce 5-10ml of milk every 2 hours. I wish I could produce more milk for her.

Tuesday September 16, 2008 (Day 5)

They already started giving her my milk and now feeding tube is via her mouth not her naval. The tube direct from mouth to her stomach due to her weak lung.

She is given 6ml of milk for every 2 hors

Wednesday September 17, 2008 (Day 6)

My first day of massage. The mak bidan came to my house and started the massage and the bertungku. Punya la geli makcik….tak tahan…hehehehe……… my husband is at home today as it is public holiday for few states in Malaysia. 17^th of Ramadhan marks as Nuzul Quran here. (The 1^st day of our holy Quran was delivered to our Prophet Muhammad)

We visited her in the afternoon and spent almost an hour there. I forced myself to stand longer next to my baby so that she can feel that her mama is there waiting for her.

She is given 7ml of milk every 2 hours. She seems tolerate with the milk and this makes me happy. At least my milk can cure her as soon as possible.

Thursday September 18, 2008 (Day 7)

We decided to name her Humaira Safiyyah. Humaira taken from a root word Hamra’ in Arabic meaning “the red” as she was born red (she is fair). I think during Prophet Muhammad time, one of his daughter or the other friends’ daughter was called Humaira as she is red. I couldn’t recall. Maybe it was Abu Bakar As-Siddiq’s daughter, Aishah R.A was called Humaira. Safiyyah means grace (yang lemah lembut).

Not so much different from yesterday. Both of us pray for her safety.

Friday September 19, 2008 (Day 8)

My baby infected. We are so worry. She just lying there motionless. She looks so tired and needed to do blood transfusion. They took my blood to cross check with her blood and the donor’s blood from the blood bank. I wish I could give her mine but the doctor said they can’t wait longer as she is very weak. I can’t stop my tears by looking at her. I feel like giving up at this moment. I am so sad. She doesn’t deserve all this. She holds my fingers so tight. She tried to open her eyes as well. I tried not to cry as I don’t want her to see me in tears. I think she wanted to tell me not to worry about her as she is so strong to go through all this.

Saturday September 20, 2008 (Day 9)

We visited our baby in the afternoon. She still has infections. Strict hand washed sign was stick on her incubator. We must be more hygiene this time. She just lying down with less of movement. I hope she will be fine after the transfusion. Her tiny size makes me scared to touch her body. I only managed to touch her hands as I don’t want to hurt her.

She had breathing difficulties today and they put again the oxygen tube via her mouth. They also started the blood transfusion. The blood was give via her right hand and the saline is on her left hand. She must be so in pain now. She tried to open her little eyes to tell me that she is fine. But mama cannot take those things anymore. I cried and cried as I am so pity of her.

Sunday September 21, 2008 (Day 10)

I cried in the morning thinking of her. My husband wants me to stop my tears as he doesn’t want me to be sick. The post partum makes my emotions up and down. Luckily my mom is coming tonight and I will be less pain when she is around.

The blood transfusion still on. So do the drip. I met the doctor on my way to the NICU and asked her about my baby. She said that my baby still infected and not so well. She told me that all babies in the same room were infected due to increase number of patients in the NICU. She told me that if this occurs again until next week, she will close the ward for any admission and the new cases should be referred to another hospital.

I am a mother....Part 1

September 12, 2008

The nurse woke me up at 7.00 to bring me to the PSC (I dunno what this stands for but it is located in Dewan Bersalin (labor hall) as the doctor is waiting for me there. I asked her for a few minutes for me to go to the toilet to change the panty and pad. By the time I finished my urinating, I couldn’t stand anymore as I am so much in pain on my back and my waist. The nurse knocked the toilet door and I opened it. I told her I cannot even wear my panty as I am so much in pain and I cried. She helped me to put the pad on the panty and waited for me to wear my panty. Thanks a lot for her help. Upon arrival at the PSC, the doctor already waiting for me and she do the scanning. When I told her that I had so much pain last nite, she looked into my uterus using the speculum and she said I am 4-5cm dilated. She said I will be delivered soon. I cried as I know the circumstances. My baby maybe died due to her small size. I cried and told her I was not ready. She said immediately I am pregnant, I must be ready for everything. I asked the nurse for help to call my husband and she lend her mobile to me. I called my husband and asked him to come to the hospital. Then the nurse send me to the labor room. I asked for a glass of water as I haven’t eat anything since 9.00pm last nite. She gave me half glass of water and send me to the labor room.

It is just a small room only located 1 bed with the dentist look alike light but slightly bigger . I do not see any surgical equipment in there. The other nurse came in and touch my belly just to check any contraction, put drip on my right hand and put a detector to check my baby’s movement I told her that I was so much in pain. She asked me to pray a lot . Then the doctor came in as well as the peadiatrician as they brief on my condition. After a while my husband arrived. I cried while telling him that I had so much pain on my waist. Rasa cam nk putuih pinggang wehhhhhh……… then the doctor came in to give me pain killer. She gave me 2 shots on my thigh to reduce the pain. I slept for a while then later the consultant came in. She asked me my condition and I told her what had happened last nite as the doctor in ward giving me 2 paracetamol to ease my pain. The consultant aka the big boss was so mad to her staff and she said I shouldn’t be giving paracetamol. Habih laaaaaaaaaa…………..even the nurse who put in the detector was scolded by her as she said the stap was so tight and shouldn’t be that way. Then she looked into my uterus using speculum and I am 9cm dilated, about 5 cm different within 2 hours. The nurse came in and ask if I feel like to poo poo but I said no. I fall asleep for awhile then I woke up when I heard a lady next door delivering. I heard the doctor asked her to push for a number of time. Suddenly I felt something came out. I asked my husband to call the doctor but he is nowhere. I shouted calling for doctor as she is only next door and she came in with the nurse. I asked her what should I do and she instructed me how should I do. And that time I can feel they do the episiotomy (using the something looks like scissors).Within 5 minutes the baby came out. 1 second I heard nothing. I asked the doctor why my baby is not crying and I feel so nervous. Suddenly I heard her voice cried once. Immediately the nurse cut the unbilical cord and bring her out to the peads. I asked about my baby but the doctor couldn’t answer. She asked me to be patient and pray a lot and I broke down.

While my baby was sent to NICU, the doctor pull out my placenta,however only 40cc came out and remaining 60cc still in my uterus. They tried to pull it out but failed. Few doctors came in to do it but the placenta still in there. It was so painful. Later they asked my consent for me to be sent to the OT to do the surgery for the placenta to be removed. It is almost an hour while waiting and another doctor (she is my bestfren look alike) came in. She touched my belly and later the placenta and pull it out. Alhamdulillah…the remaining 60cc of placenta successfully removed by her and I do not need to be in OT which I really scared of. Then the doctor do the remaining procedures. She do the stitches on the epi, clean me up,changed my clothes.

Then she asked me to rest for an hour in the room and ask me to take my lunch. Mana boleyyyyyyy.....i was so tired and can only take water. Tak lalu nak makan dah...hati teringat ke anak. Then my mom came in. I broke down when i see her and told her baout my baby. My mom pon keryau sama la...but she managed to hear that my baby is a girl.

Later my husband came back from friday prayer and my mom went out to wait for me in the ward. After the doctor satisfied with my condition, they send me back to the ward. I took a nap for a while as i was so tired. Late in the afternoon i need to go to the bathroom and changed. I managed to walk but i ask my husband to help me in there. Luckily he was with me, i almost fainted while i was changing. It is due to blood loss and i haven't taken anything since yesterday.

My mom and my husband left around 9.00pm. I managed to see my baby through my husband's mobile phone as he took her pic while performing iqamah to her ear. Other info remain unknown.

My Pregnancy.......Complication

September 1, 2008

1^st day of fasting. Everything seems perfect as I told my baby that we need to fast today and no food during the day. I guess my baby understands as she just kept quiet all day long. I just did some household chores. So tired today and I managed to have sugar cane juice which I crave for so long….yummy…….

September 2, 2008

1^st day to work in Ramadhan. I drive to work today to make our life easier. We wanted to avoid heavy traffic back home so I decided to drive for the whole month of Ramadhan. I was in the toilet to poo poo. Suddenly, there are some clear fluid coming out. I feel strange as it was not my urine. When I came out from the toilet, the fluid doesn’t stop and it was more fluid coming out wet my panty and clothes. I quickly drove back home to meet the doc. Again, the fluid rushing out heavily when I arrived the clinic. She said that the fluid came from my waterbag/membrane. When she do the scanning, it shows that the amount of fluid in my membrane reduced and she advised me to be referred to the hospital. We decided to go to Damai Service Hospital, Taman Melawati. I refused to go to government hospital due to my very bad imagination of government hospitals (the fierce nurses, the bad food, dirty toilets etc).

We have to meet look alike George Clooney, Dr Halim as he was the only gynae there. The lady gynae is only available 3 days a week. What to do…I had to meet him…no choice. He gave me antibiotics to avoid infections and I was given 4 days mc for me to rest at home and will be seeing him again on Saturday.

September 3, 2008

My husband went off to Melaka for his business trip. Will be back the following day. I stayed at Pak Ngah’s house as my husband does not allow me to stay alone at home. So do due to my health and other reason. The leaking still occur 2-3 hours a time. I can feel that the fluid drained from my uterus. For those who never know how the fluid look alike, it is clear in color and has no smell. It is an amniotic fluid and smell like alcaline as ammonia is an alkaline.

September 4, 2008

Woke up late today and besides I have nothing to do here. No lappy, no internet so I just spend my time reading my pregnancy book and I found a term called PPROM in the book and the symptoms similar to what I am facing now. Just had juice and toast for breakfast and lunch today. The leaking still occur 3-4 hours a time and this worrying me. My husband arrived at 11.00pm and we headed home.

September 5, 2008

Staying at home watching tv and sleep. So bored. Nothing to do. I hope that I can recover in 2-3 days and will be able to go to work on Monday. I still take antibiotics given by the doctor and the dosage will be expired tonite. I will be seeing the doctor again tomorrow.

September 6, 2008

We went to the hospital at 10.00am and the doctor gave me injection to matured the baby’s lung if I had to deliver early. But the risk is so high as the baby may be dead or alive depending on the situation. He gave another antibiotics to replace the one I took earlier. I need to see him again tomorrow for another injection to complete the treatment.

September 7, 2008

Meet the doctor again for another shot of injection and we headed home. Nur arrived with her mom, sister and her baby boy Dani. She gave me Zamzam, our holy water for healing. I drink everytime after performing my prayer and I put some of the water on my belly with a prayer that I can recover soon. The doctor hope that I can stand for another 10 weeks so that I can deliver my baby safely.

September 8, 2008

The leaking only happened in the morning at 7 and stop until 7.30pm. After I had dinner with my husband (I said dinner as I was not fasting), the fluid running out again heavily every time I moved and even a small movement may caused the leak.

September 9, 2008

We went for a second opinion in another clinic as I couldn’t get to meet Dr Hamid Arshad, one of the best gynae in town. The doctor advised us to go straight to government hospital as they have a lot of facilities there. My husband decided to bring me to Hospital Selayang. I was crying all the way as I don’t want to go there. I had a very bad imagination about government hospitals. Huhuhuu…….upon arrival at the gynae clinic there, they referred me to the labour room. After do some scanning and other procedures, they warded me there. Adoiyaiiiiiiii………my first time staying in the hospital. I requested my husband to transfer me to first class ward but for tonite, I need to stay at the 6 bedded 3^rd class ward. I couldn’t even sleep as I was staying with nursing mothers and their babies’ keep crying. Dugaan betoiiii……..the nurses came in every few hours to do check ups as that is normal routine. Punya la byk ganguan. How I am supposed to sleep????????

September 10, 2008

Still warded. Meet a gynae who is also a lecturer with School of Medicine, UiTM. Has some words with him and I asked him if the leaking due to my active lifestyle (shopping, moving around the office, taking stairs). He said that most of the cases due to urine infections and he said it was not my fault and I shouldn’t blame myself for this. He asked my permission if his students could do practical exam with me tomorrow and I agreed. Spending my time whole day reading and sleeping.

September 11, 2008

It’s Alea’s birthday today. I wish she is safe in the US and having good time study there. There was some yellowish color discharged on my pas this morning while I wake up for fajr prayer. I alerted my mom to come as I’m afraid that the discharge is infection. According to the doctor, if I had any color of discharged, the fetus may infect and they have to operate me to bring the baby out. It is to ensure that I am not infected by the infected fetus.

around 10.00am the student and 2 doctors met me for the exam of their student. She was so nervous and the exam ended 15 minutes later.

When I show the discharged to the burse, she said that it is normal due to changes of hormone and I feel relieved. My mom arrived in the evening and she will be visiting me tomorrow.

I couldn’t sleep the whole night as I had back pain and a bit pain on my belly. I rang the nurse and she alerted the doctor. When the doctor look trough the speculum, she saw nothing and I was given 2 paracetamol to reduced the pain. I can sleep for a while but still the pain came on and off. I keep running to the toilet to ease my pain but it doesn't help. I saw some blood while i urinate and this worried me. Hope nothing bad happened to me and my baby

Few words......

Just to update few frends reading my blog. I gave birth to a baby girl on September 12. She is very premature and i gave birth due to complicated pregnancy called PPROM (Pretrem Premature Rupture of Membrane).

I will update everything soon due to unavailable internet connection at my place.

Do pray for her as my Humaira Safiyyah is still in NICU Hospital Selayang for at least 2-3 months.....